and somehow, i think i've found the reason for not going into Literature

pressure.

the correct amount of stress is what normally pushes people to go beyond themselves and excel in their task. it increases productivity, and even creativity at times. there are a lot of times when i thought i will crumble under pressure with the excessive workload as well as expectations from peers and myself. but, in the computer field, almost everything is standard, there are many ways to do a thing, but there is a standard set of answers as to what is right or wrong. if i can put it this way, it is simply an area where if you put in enough effort, you will be able to reap the rewards, most of the time.

writing, i can't even believe how much i love it. when i feel like im going to give up, or when im too stressed with the various assignments, writing fics will be my outlet of venting my feelings. it is easy, when it acts as a form of escape from the greater things in life (which is school), but it becomes exceedingly difficult when it becomes the main focus of my life. there is too much pressure of having to write perfectly, with all the stress from school being unloaded to all the words that are being typed onto the screen. it is suffocating when the words doesn't flow properly, or when the emotions are misplaced, and then writing becomes the main source of stress instead. there is no clear definition of what makes a good or bad story, and while striving for perfection, it is so easy to forget the initial passion.

and maybe this is why i'm not cut out for writing. i love it, and yet i hate myself for not being able to handle the stress that comes with it, for turning into someone who chases after writing beautiful metaphors instead of genuine feelings. so that's why, maybe, i ran away from it in the first place.