Change.

i do think that even if i grow up and get married, have a bunch of kids, Harry Potter will be a book that will be forever etched in my mind.

i remember when i was young, my favorite character should be either Harry Potter or Sirius Black. the hero whom is victimized by circumstances and has to struggle against them. somehow, i feel that its a common tendency among kids to worship the heroes in the books. after all, what we're taught at that time was the world is in black and white and we have to be on the right side at all times. however, when you grow up, you start changing. on the outside it may seem to be for the worst at times, but i do believe that any changes good or bad make you grow eventually.

the study of lit have definitely changed my opinions towards villains(and surprisingly, i still can't spell it properly till this day). it has shaped my mind till the state that i don't judge them because they're evil, i learn to appreciate the motives behind the things they do. and of course, this is a result of studying Richard III excessively. and in a way, not being able to underline the titles make me feel very uneasy, as if my lit tutors will scream at me even though this is just my blog.

i still do not like the characters who carry out gratuitous evil deeds like Voldemort, even though i can understand his ideals or whatsoever. i still perceive him as a force of unexplainable evil/violence. however, i started liking characters like Draco Malfoy. its undeniable that he's a twisted mind and wrong sense of what's right and wrong right and wrong, but then, we could not neglect the fact that the society and his family upbringing made him this way. since god knows how long, nobody has ever reached out to them(the Slytherins) trying to change them, and instead treat them as scum. so how do you expect them to be able to live harmoniously since the other side doesn't embrace them too?

i kind of have the opinion that if he's put in a normal family, his ability to love the others around him wouldn't be any lesser than the Gryffindors. but oh well, we do need an antagonist, don't we. despite all that, what's most commendable about him for me is his sacrifice for his family. i don't think that he has enough courage or enjoy joining the Death Eaters a lot, but then for his parents he's willing to do it despite the palpable fear and helplessness he exude in the 6th book. yeah, that's what turn me into a fan of his.

and to be honest, i've considered majoring in Lit in college just to be able to teach Harry Potter in class. after all, i'm obsessed enough with the book to be watching the movies and reading the book during A levels preparation period. but, i'm not confident if that's what i want in life.

well, i don't really know what i'm aiming in life now.

i just watched High School Musical, all the 3 movies these 2 days, and the Senior Year kind of expressed one of my worries. i've thought of accepting things as they are and go where my results will bring me too, but then i don't want to regret by not making a choice that i'll love in the future at this point of my life. honestly, the only thought passing my mind these days is how i need to be away.

i mean, i like Singapore. after staying here for more than 10 years, it has become one of my home too, but i couldn't help but regret spending all of my youth here. from elementary school to high school. somehow, i wished that i could move to somewhere new in every phase of my life and experience new stuff that will not make me feel so empty now. it feels as if i've a need to move to a new house. i know that's its an impulse that make me want to move to United States and finish college there. but then, after all what a theatre/lit person should believe in is instincts isn't it? i've absolutely no confidence that i can do well overseas at all, and i strongly believe that i'll do better in Singapore and this is the place where i should be.

but, i want to get away. i want to experience a different education system, i want to have a more exciting youth. i mean, my high school life is interesting with all the drama, but that's not what i want. i want something that i'll cherish because its significantly different in my life.

and why America? i do think its something similar to what this poem is expressing

'America'

Although she feeds me bread of bitterness,

And sinks into my throat her tiger's tooth,

Stealing my breath of life, I will confess

I love this cultured hell that tests my youth!

Her vigor flows like tides into my blood,

Giving me strength erect against her hate.

Her bigness sweeps my being like a flood.

Yet as a rebel fronts a king in state,

I stand within her walls with not a shred

Of terror, malice, not a word of jeer.

Darkly I gaze into the days ahead,

And see her might and granite wonders there,

Beneath the touch of Time's unerring hand,

Like priceless treasures sinking in the sand.

Claude McKay

its an ambivalent relationship. you'll love it for the opportunities it can bring forth even if it might not be where you belong and where you should be. in a sense, she's supporting you and yet tearing you down at the same time due to the nature of the society.

i guess, i'll really make use of the next few days to think over what i'm truly aiming for. i'm not sure if psychology is the right path for me anymore. and i can't believe that i took out my whole stack of outrageously heavy lit notes just to look for that poem. it just doesn't feel that heavy when you're mugging and carrying tons of books everyday. but i guess, things do change after all.

splendido; sconfortante

srsly, with the number of bugs i had in my room tonight, i will have thought of myself to be some bug catcher.

and it just have to land on my blanket, pillow and shirt.

thank god that i've a new pillow cover, but now, i've to find some way to convince my mama to give me the new blanket when she just changed mine a few days ago /:

next time, i think i'll just listen to my mama and close the windows after eight.

the tree thats growing so precariously near my window isn't a good thing at all.

and maybe the good thing out of it is that my brother helped me subdue one of it, and now i know that there's black grasshopper after all.

hopefully, tonight will be filled with the heartbreakingly beautiful and yet bleak dream once again.

i pray for the memories not to fade away, till the day i know that i can say goodbye right away.

you & i

the more i damage my health, the more vivid my memory of you is.

the later i stay up, the longer the time we manage to spend together.

but,

even if you always banish me from your thought,

i will not have the memory span of a gold fish.

every little glance, every little touch,

i will want to keep them within my memory till the day i realize you & i are not meant to be

i want to show you the beautiful world.

i want to show you the beautiful world.

it used to be the title of my previous blog- a result of looking through tons of translated lyrics to find one that will fit the purpose and feelings i'm harboring when i set that up. the yearning to share an insight to the world within me and please the rest who're reading it. whether its angst or fluff i just wanted to showcase the best of me and from it bring them to a world that will be deemed as beautiful despite being shadowed by sadness.

that line certainly matches the story that i had just finished reading. showing your loved one the beautiful world just before he dies, letting your presence light up his world so that no matter how awful the situation is, it just seems as if the world is most gorgeous at that time.

i had never been a big fan of park bom's you and i. but somehow, it seems to fit my emotions now. the poignant feeling of showcasing the best of what this world have to offer just before your loved one dies to give him the most wonderful memories. it sounds a bit morbid, but i think i just realized that the only way to live your life splendidly is to treasure each day and never take for granted about how long you get to live. only in this way, you will be able to see the world and everyone around you in the most wonderful light.

the true course of love never did run smooth.

It feels as though Puck had spread love juice on my eyes that day, at that moment, and made me infatuated with him, the first person I saw when I turned my head. From that moment, I am destined to be Lysander, pursuing a unreciprocated love that I wasn't supposed to. Unlike Lysander who's unable to decipher between the state of reality and infatuation, I let myself get trapped in between; always being in denial of any truth that might had been placed right in front of me and pretend everything is just a short term infatuation that will go away, as long as I don't see him.

Apparently, I am suffering withdrawal symptoms after the separation. I am no Lysander, and there is no Puck in the world. Instead I am like Hermia, who's left with nothing after the love spell is cast. Nothing at all except the bitterness due to my own feelings and lack of courage, and of course the denial that I am always in. I am a coward, the worst kind, for refusing to acknowledge the reality so clearly displayed in front of me.

I've always wondered how differently will things turn out if I summoned the courage to just day 'Hi'. I dare to dream, I dare to imagine, but I don't dare to take any concrete actions at all. All I have done is just observe him from one corner and silently rejoice every time we had eye contact even though it might be unintentional, silently rejoice when he's sitting right beside me, bloom with happiness at the small talk we had online.

Because of him i started listening to Taylor Swift a lot, because of him I looked up for Maroon 5 songs when I wanted to learn a new song, because of him I love the song 'If a song could get me you' so much. I always thought that he's just an object of infatuation, someone whose looks I appreciate a lot, but then somehow, maybe it has escalated to a crush. A crush that I will always deny when anybody asked me.

How can I be so blind when all the evidence are put right in front of my face? I've thought of confessing. I've yearned to talk to him. I studied hard for midyears just to make him notice me in the right light. And yet, in the end, I gained nothing out of it except solid evidence of my own foolishness.

Someone told me its okay to date another person as long as I don't intend to confess and is willing to give the other party a chance. At that time I believe in it, treating him as a eye-candy only. But now, I don't think so. It just proves that I have a screwed up mindset and regrets that will follow me forever. He is, and will never be the reason for my previous break up. However, my feelings somehow feel betrayed by my mind. It is obvious that I don't know what I want in life, which is so fucked up. I felt affection for my ex, and I used to really like him a lot. But after breaking up, instead of the ambivalent feeling I should feel because of the whole mess I got myself into, all i could feel is nonchalance towards the whole issue. It sounds absurd, but somehow it seems that he's an idea that will always pop up whenever I'm alone. He may not always seem to be right at the front of my concerns but he's there. Except that i used to refuse to acknowledge this point.

I'm a strong believer of gut feelings. I believe in love at first sight. In fact I don't think having a crush on a stranger is a huge issue, what is important is how you feel the moment you see them. But I didn't know it can happen to me twice in a year. The first one was easy to get over with due to my life's philosophy of not pining for an attached man, but I didn't realize the second one will impact me so badly. I guess one and a half year of devoted attention is different from two months of short-term attraction even though I really thought it was nowhere nearing a crush. I guess I only discovered when I'm away from school and left on my own with nobody to distract me.

He's like a purple flower while I'm the bee. I might go out in search for better pollen in flowers of other color, but in the end, the one that I'll stay with is him. The 2 flowers that I've met in these 2 years were all important to me. Every single time I put in all my love and tears for them when our paths crossed, the heartaches suffered were greater and the anguish felt was more intense, but somehow they're more easily stored away. I feel uneasy with the shared memories we had, and sometimes reminiscence but they can be easily replaced by some other happenings. It is him that I never get a chance to get upset over that unbalances my mood the most.

The perfect situation in my dreams always seem to be mocking me, at how my imagination is never going to come true. Normally if good things happen in my dreams, the day will run smoothly for me, but he, who is supposed to be a good part of my life never fails to make my day horrible. The irony in it being the wonderful state in the dreams just made me realize the truth more.

I remember a line from Midsummer Night Dream vividly. The true course of love never did run smooth. I'm not in love(I'm sure I'm not at that stage yet even though I might sound so), and he's definitely not interested in me, but then-

There's no need for tears to be shed over a relationship that isn't going to start in anyway. And i shouldn't feel like how I did when the guy I was interested in was not interested in me. After all it's time that i grow up.

Undeniably, there's lots of regrets from what I had not managed to accomplished during my last year in high school, but probably it will teach me about hesitating to pursue what I want. Dreams and reputation is important, but sometimes, it seems as if forgetting about them for a moment and doing what your heart directs you to seems to be the best choice.

I don't play the guitar so there's no chance for teardrops to be on my guitar, but it won't go anywhere near my keyboard too, though that song is a perfect description of my feelings, except that we're two strangers that will most probably never see each other again after next week.

oh hello.

hello :D

i havent been using blogger for ages since i moved to wretch about 4 to 5 years ago when i wanted a new start.

but then, i've decided to move out of the place that have held my memories and snippets of me for so long this year, to have a new start again.

it sounds abit ironic since i've moved back to the place where i left at first, but i guess this is what they call coming back home to start afresh?

i srsly hope that i can stick to this place for a long long time since i've never been able to blog anywhere for too long except for wretch and i dont know why.

maybe my livejournal will be an exception, but ohwell, it isnt exactly the best place to vent my frustrations so literally.

so lets hope i'll have a nice and long time here, and once again thanks to roy kai(he didnt credit it) for being such a nice friend and creating the banner for me even though its a result of miscommunication. me thinking he's offering to create a blog skin for me, while he intended to help me out with some other things.

but its all well. :D

yeah, hello.